Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Bush orders NSA to collect "young, fresh virgins," feeds upon still beating hearts.

[another executive order exposed...]

Crawford, Tx - (ATS) President Bush today acknowledged that, along with the executive order he signed ordering broad swath surveillance of American communications, he also signed another secret executive order that required the NSA to apprehend and detain young, fresh virgins so that he could feed on their still-beating hearts.

From his ranch in Texas, Bush said that he required such sustenance in order to preserve his vitality. Bush claimed that such vitality on his part was demanded by the needs of national security and likewise by a vigorous prosecution of the War on Terror. In response to critics of the executive order, Bush said that he "absolutely" had the authority to order the NSA to round up a supply of young, fresh virgins and that it was "shameful" anyone would question his powers as commander-in-chief. He further denied that this was an exercise of unchecked presidential power.

While admitting that Congress did not expressely approve the virgin-heart consumption order, Bush asserted that White House counsel approved the order and claimed that it was a "presidential prerogative." It is widely believed that John Yoo's legal opinionating, which also advanced the reasoning behind the policies of detainee abuse, abrogation of the Geneva Conventions and the NSA surveillance program, is also likely behind the young, fresh virgin executive order.

"If the president needs to consume the still-beating hearts of young, fresh virgins in order to vigorously pursue the War on Terror, then it is within the powers granted him as Commander-in-Chief during wartime," said White House spokeman, Trent Duffy.

Duffy added: "This is a limited program. This is not about consumming the still-beating hearts of all virgins, but only those of the youngest and freshest. The president believes he has the authority -- and he does -- under the Constitution to do this limited program."

Civil liberty groups immediately demanded accountability, claiming a right to know who, exactly, was being targeted by the executive order.

"This is outrageous. Can't the president just eat a steak?" asked Human Rights Watch spokeperson, John Smith.

Bush attempted to further assuage concerns, claiming that the virgin-heart consumption order was "a necessary part of my job to protect you, unless, of course, you're a young, fresh virgin, he he he. But really, how many of those can there be? Most Americans simply won't have to worry about my live-flesh eating habits at all."

Supporters hailed reports that President Bush was consuming the still-beating hearts of young, fresh virgins.

"This is great news. I always knew that this good and great president must be doing something to keep up with the daily tribulations that the prosecution of the War on Terror must exact," said popular right wing pundit and fellow live-flesh consumer, Ann Coulter.

Coulter further added, "there is nothing better than good, fresh, still-throbbing organ meat to keep up the strength. And George Bush has shown true presidential forsight in signing this executive order. Liberals will fume at this news, which I think is great."

Even some suspected young, fresh virgins were willing to admit that Bush may very well have the authority to order the consumption of their own still-beating hearts.

"How can we deny the president that which he needs in order to fight the terrorists?" asked one such virgin, who wished to remain anonymous. Though unwilling to donate her own heart to the War on Terror, she said that if there is a need for the still-beating hearts of people like her then the president should be brought those hearts as needed.

Mixed reactions from Congress were the order of the day with most Democrats expressing dismay at learning what they described as an overreach on the part of the president. Republicans in the House and Senate seemed nonplussed by the news.

"Yeah, I can understand the need," said Senate Majority leader Bill Frist.

"My days of mercilessly torturing and killing cats under the guise of 'medical research' has granted me the wisdom to know that Bush's executive order is absolutely necessary," Frist said.

Other Republicans were not as willing to grant Bush such immediate leniency.

Former Republican congressman Bob Barr said "this is absolutely a bizarre conversation where you have a member of Congress saying that it's okay for the president of the United States to ignore U.S. law, to ignore the Constitution, simply because we are in an undeclared war."

Dana Rohrabacher (R-Ca), however, took issue with Barr and declared that he is "not only proud" of the president's strong stance in ordering up still-beating virign hearts, but, he says, America "can be grateful to the president."

Perhaps the strongest negative reactions to news of Bush's order has come from community groups and parent-teacher associations, some of whom claim that federal agents have approached schools and reqeusted the names of addresses of known or suspected young, fresh virigins, though at the time they did not know why. Now they are furious.

"Although, I did vote for Bush, I think he has simply gone too far. They can't do this, can they?" one stunned Ohio parent asked, fearing the worst.

She was told that, unless Congress acts, not only can the NSA do this, they will continue the program at the behest of the president.

Further claiming national security needs, the White House continues to deny calls for an explanation of the secret "young, fresh virgin extraordinary rendition and heart consumption" program, as it is officially known, or any details as to how many young, fresh virgins have been involved or how many still-beating hearts may have already been consumed by President Bush.

"This is matter of national security in a time of war. The president needs you to understand this and to have patience as his administration continues in the struggle against violent extremism," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

"Actually, the president doesn't need you to understand anything," McClellan added. "We have asserted, repeatedly, that the president is not constrained by law during wartime. How many times do we have to say it? Please, just shut up."

Congessional Democrats are calling for an investigation though it remains unclear at this time whether GOP House or Senate leadership will abide the demand.


Blogger The Heretik said...

Oh, my. I thought I did the black humor. Ha

6:51 PM  
Blogger vacuumspeak said...

More of this would really throw your site into perpetual quandry . . . and be funny.

10:15 PM  

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